Falling flat on my face
A few months ago, I did something really out of my comfort zone – I started hosting my own communities. I had just started an online writing cohort and I thought it’d be cool to bring people together and share our experiences. I volunteered myself to host Lunch & Learns, an 1 hour session where people can come and share their experiences. This is gonna be my first time hosting online events outside of work.
With much enthusiasm, I posted my events to the community and prepared for the event.
When I launched the event – 1 person showed up. That’s right, out of 300+ people, 1 person showed up. I managed to put up a straight face and powered through the hour, and when the session ended, I was demoralized. But I told myself to keep going.
For the next 3 weeks, I hosted a few more events. 5 people showed up next. Then 10 people. Then 3.
People came and went, and in the end I was standing there looking at the Zoom meeting with myself.
“Herding cats is surely a thankless and joyless job” I thought to myself.
Then I hosted a few different things – building a discord community, hosting masterminds, etc. These started with great enthusiasm, but in the end they became ghost towns.
I definitely need to tweak some things, but the problems lie much deeper than the my community building skills. These experiences reminded me of something hidden within my self-image – my high school experience.
How my high school experience still haunted me
In the last post, I talked about how our own self-image is getting us the results and experiences we are getting.
Growing up, I wasn’t exactly a shy kid. I was an introvert, but when I was in Taiwan – where I lived until 11 yo – I never felt threatened or withdrawn. However, when I moved to the US, things changed. I left the comforts of my old environment – friends, school, culture – and adapting to the new environment was difficult. In high school I was severely bullied and harassed because I didn’t speak English well, and I was outcasted into the FOB corner (fresh off the boat, then a derogatory term for immigrants who don’t speak fluent English). I wanted friends, and instead was faced with sneer, derision, and ostracism.
I’m 37 now and high school was eons ago, yet somehow this memory still lives with me. It was a part of my identity and self-image, and I’ve been carrying this all my life.
Deep down, I’m still the same 16 yo kid who wanted friends. When I tried to host the community events and build my own friend circle, this kid was running the show. When people moved on to the next best thing, the same fate faced that kid now as it did back 20 years ago.
The strongest force in human psychology is the need to remain consistent with how we see ourselves
This statement rings eerily true for the 16 y.o. me as the 37 y.o. me.
So finally I became aware of my own self-image and how it had hindered me all my life. If I desire a different result and experience, it is not enough for me to change just what’s on the outside. I must change the person inside.
But how?
Well, the first thing I can do is to assure this 16 yo kid within me, “You are ok. No matter what happens, I will be your friend. I will always show up to your parties”
And just like that, a life-long void deep within me is filled.
Assure and Accept the Person You see in the Mirror
Self-assurance. That’s what I just gave myself.
What the heck is self-assurance? What does that even mean?
Definition of assurance is: a positive declaration intended to give confidence; a promise
Self-assurance… is giving confidence, a promise, to yourself.
We all have experienced this at some point in our life – whatever we seek from others, it will never fill in the void in us. The only person who can ever fill that void is ourselves. Not your mom, not your spouse, not your imaginary bf/gf, not online community fans, not God.
That responsibility lies with us and us only.
When I started giving myself the things I was seeking from others, the void was filled. I became complete. I can look at the person in the mirror and accept him for what he is. Nothing more, nothing less, as is.
Assure myself. Accept myself. With this realization, I freed myself from the old self-image that had held me back. I no longer needed external validations because I can give all the assurances I need.
I took another look at the person in the mirror, and this time I gave him a smile and a smirk – we can tackle the world together. Adventures and challenges await us, and this time I won’t be demoralized.
PS. I am putting together an experience to re-engineering the self-image within us so we can get more life we wanted. Stay tuned for more!