From Machine to Magic

a cautionary tale of repressing the tunes of your magic

Here I was – a good 15 years into my software engineering career – I found myself staring at screens of code that looked like hieroglyphics and my fingers resisting typing another stroke on the keyboard. The product specs drained the soul out of my life, and I just don’t care about pumping out anymore code.

The irony is that coding is my sole means of living – it paid me handsomely, affording me a luxurious lifestyle where I can buy any gadgets I want and travel to places I desire – now sucks the life out of my soul. I had built a life on a trade that I have 0 passion for.

How did I end up here?

I’ve always been good at engineering. I was able to pass my engineering courses with ease (with an unhealthy dose of last minute cramming of spark notes and red bulls). I could bruteforce my way through algorithm interviews like a machine and landed lucrative software jobs. My career in the tech industry looked bright, so I thought. I just need to  keep brute forcing my way through and up.

Until I met my colleague Saurabh. Saurabh was a talented engineer, like most engineers I met throughout my career. But he’s different – he was able to draft up architecture diagrams on the fly, tackle difficult situations, and bring people from all corners of the company together. I often stood behind him with my jaws dropped, simply in awe at what he’s able to do.  He had this fire within him and things lit up whenever he went. 

He was passionate about his work. He was a magician. 

Looking at myself, everything seemed like a tiresome grind. Then something occurred to me – I had no fire nor magic, for I had become a machine.

THE PERILS OF SUPPRESSING YOUR HEART

Growing up in a single-parent Chinese household, I was ingrained to maximize financial outcomes above all else. I studied engineering, finance, and business with the desire to make money. Choices and decisions are made based on the formula of “if this makes money do. If not, skip”

The chase of more money, promotion, status, and lifestyle upgrades gave life to a maelstrom within me. I jumped into a career in software engineering because that paid handsomely, and chose companies that paid the most. Even finding dates came down to the rubric of what school she went to and what job she had. The tunes of romantic love, doing what I’m passionate about, exploring the arts, are cute but ultimately unprofitable fairy tales and destined to be skipped. Thus, I keep grinding, hustling, churning out code like a robot on an assembly line.

Until one point, no matter how many dollar signs are in front of me, I had no pulse to inch a step forward. This is how I ended up in this predicament

REDISCOVERING THE TUNES OF MY MAGIC

Is it ever possible for me to be like Saurabh and bring forth my own fire and magic to the world? I set out to find out for myself.

—

We each have our own unique frequencies that resonate with us, but do we know what they are?

I don’t, or I don’t know the difference between what jolts my dopamine (ie, doom scrolling Twitter) vs what resonates with me deeply. Until one day I saw the “tuning fork resonance” and a light bulb popped in my head

Metaphorically, there are “tuning forks” within us, and to find out which ones vibrate, it requires us to “strike” and listen in on whether there is any resonance. When we suppress our hearts, we suppress the tune that tells us that something’s resonating. If we never take the action to strike, we’ll never find the thing that creates resonance within us.

Looking at that video, I realized I had done two stupid things in my life – numbing all tunes in my heart (for money) and being a world class procrastinator (laziness) to do new things. In other words, I didn’t listen to what resonated with me, and I didn’t try new things to see what I like. No wonder I got stuck in my predicament – a trade that I have no passions for.

Time to experiment!

With that revelation, I knew I had to do something to A) try a bunch of things to see if what resonates and B) tuning in to what resonates within me.

I didn’t know what to work on, but I ran experiments based on this core principle – I will act on what excites me, and do it at least 3 times.

I started with cooking as my first experiment. Cooking was never a passion of mine; it was born out of necessity and my dismay of paying $25 dollars for subpar Taiwanese beef noodles. Desiring to make it better, I scoured YouTube and the internet for the best recipes, and after years of trial-and-error, I perfected the best noodles on the planet. Every time I slurp down my own noodles, I am in awe of what I’ve made. This brought immense excitement and joy, and the more I do it, the more I am in love with the journey of cooking and the fruits of my labor.

I started hosting events as my second experiment. As a person who had no social networks in NYC and dislikes mindless socializing, I had to do my own events to meet people and make friends. First event I hosted was a dinner party. After shilling to everyone about my awesome beef noodle, I had to back up my bragging. It was scary at first to host a dinner party – I didn’t have the right tables and plates and definitely didn’t know how to cook for 10+ people. Guests came, slurped my noodles, and raved about it. I loved to see the reaction on their faces.

There were moments where I wanted to give up – people flaking last minute, piles of dishes and food waste to clean, I getting eviscerated by my own guest – but no matter the sweat rolling down my face, the gunk in my fingers, I loved every moment of it. 

In doing these, I discovered that I really loved cooking and hosting and bringing people together. 

The lesson I got from these experiments is that, to bring out the magic within me, it is paramount to tune in on what brings out the joy and love I have of the craft regardless of circumstances and outcomes. I simply found what sings to my heart and enjoyed the process and the journey.

—

Thinking back to Saurabh, he was a magician at coding.

Much as I tried, it was not my calling. 

From these experiments, I’ve discovered my magic – cooking, hosting, bringing people together. I can conjure up amazing things to service the world.

I am a Magician.